Pensive Peyote #9

The footprints in the snow suddenly ended. The journey he had taken ended as abruptly as it had started. The events of the evening came flooding back to him as soon as he stopped walking. It was as if his thoughts were in hot pursuit during his aimless walk in the woods and as soon as he stopped they caught him. He took a deep breath and sat down on the log where the footprints seemed to end. Perhaps they were leading him to this exact spot. They knew the inner turmoil colliding around in his head.

Steven always had a mysterious aura about him. His deep brown eyes betrayed wisdom far beyond his mere 22 years of existence. People could look into those eyes and become easily lost in everything that seemed to be contained in them. To the untrained eye, he had a confidence bordering slightly on arrogance. His ability to listen and find just the right thing to say in a time of crisis is what convinced the people around him that he wasn’t arrogant…just confident in his outlook on life. He never understood why so many people felt comfortable in confiding their darkest secrets to him. It was those eyes though…the eyes that could look straight through all emotional defenses without causing a fear of what would be discovered. Long ago he had accepted that he had a unique outlook on life and everything that occurs in it, both good and bad. He admitted to himself that the wisdom and compassion everyone saw in him actually existed though he wouldn’t own up to it in public. His closest friends would joke that he could easily disarm anyone with his razor sharp wit in an instant; yet he was the equivalent of a Care-Bear when no one was looking.

“You’re not as tough as you make yourself out to be!”

“Hey now! Watch it or I’ll tell everyone about that embarrassing episode you had with a plastic lawn gnome and the second floor stairs last weekend!”

As Steven reflected back on how tonight’s party initially started, full of laughter and camaraderie, he winced at the thoughts about what happened later. He hated fighting with his friends. And he especially hated fighting with her.

They had met four years ago at the freshman orientation assembly at Cornell.

“Hi! I’m Allicia!”

She stuck her hand out for an enthusiastic handshake.

Smiling he replied “Steven.”

“So…can we just avoid the annoyingly cliché pick-up line of ‘what’s your major’ and stick with something more important? How good are you at pool?”

Steven burst out laughing. He liked this girl. Her small frame did nothing to betray the joy in life contained within it. At 5’10” he practically towered over her, but that didn’t seem to stop her from every challenge that presented itself. They spent the rest of the assembly hustling the other one. Turned out they were both quite good at pool. As time passed, everyone on campus had rumors to tell about “that one night” where they supposedly hooked up, but they both knew it would always remain a rumor. They cared for each other like two best friends do; something that runs much deeper than a romantic type of love.

It became obvious that they had vastly different beliefs and opinions. After the 20^th debate, they made a pact to “agree to disagree” and left it at that. She bought into all of that cultural relativity bullshit, and he simply believed that people should own up to their own actions. There was a very simple equation for these things: right is right, and wrong is wrong. Period.

That pact completely unraveled tonight. Steven and Allicia had a few too many beers, and began arguing loudly about a group of environmentalists, suspected of eco-terrorism, who were arrested a few miles from campus. What started out as a political debate soon turned into a heated fight between the two best friends.

“Oh come on! It’s just another example of fascists in the Oval Office abusing their power to prevent anything being done about global warming!”

“Are you out of your fucking mind? If the people arrested were actually involved in that bombing plot, then it’s a good thing they were taken off the street!”

“How do you know they were involved?!?”

“How do you know they weren’t?!? You’re psychic now? Come on Allicia, we’re talking about actual bombs. They could have killed people. That has to mean SOMETHING to you!”

“God Steven! You’re just so…so…close-minded about everything!”

…he felt like he’d just been slapped in the face. All of the sudden every strong conviction he’d ever held in his life came bubbling to the surface…as if his mind was trying to confirm her accusation. He wheeled around and headed out the door of the cabin. He just needed to get out of there…just go somewhere. Without even thinking he followed a path that had probably been there all winter. A crisp set of footprints headed off into an abyss of darkness.

And now the footprints have ended. “Here I sit. Alone. Wondering if every attempt I have made to do the right thing was really just my attempt to justify a close-minded outlook. I know my convictions are strong…but are they right? And worse, I just viciously fought over something so stupid with my best friend. What the fuck was I thinking?”

Here, at the end of the path the footprints sent him on, Steven was a man in serious doubt. His beliefs made him who he was…the compassionate person always willing to listen no matter how bad it was or how hard it was to listen, fiercely loyal to his loved ones, and willing to do the right thing no matter how difficult it was. His confidence afforded him a resilience whenever he was given shit for how far he would go to defend someone or something, but Allicia had the power to cut right through that. It was a power they both had on one another, but neither had ever exercised it before.

Is it all wrong? Have I been focusing on the wrong things for so long? Is it me with the warped sense of ethics?

“Steven?”

He looked up and spotted the dark silhouette of his friend. He hesitated…as unsure of his ability to defy gravity enough to stay standing as he was about his own being at that moment.

“Can I sit with you?”

“Of course you can Allicia.”

As soon as she sat down she knew something was deeply wrong. The same eyes that could pierce through anything were betraying the inner turmoil within. He averted his eyes…fully aware of their betrayal.

“Steven…look…I didn’t mean what I said. I was angry, and drunk, and just…acting like a complete idiot.”

“No, Allicia…” he started. “You may be right. I have gone through life so convinced of what I believe to be right and wrong that…I don’t know.”

Hearing this nearly made her cry. Her friend was in serious doubt about all of the things that made him so wonderful, and it was her fault that he was.

“Steven, the strength of your convictions is what makes you the person you are. Not many are willing to stand up for something in the way that you do. I may personally disagree with you at times, but I have always admired the resolve you carry with you.”

She paused trying to find the right words that would convince him…

“Why do you think so many people feel safe in being so close to you?”

As the words entered his head, he still wasn’t sure if he believed them. His only escape several hours ago was a path leading into the woods. A path that could offer him the solace of escape.

He couldn’t be certain about how he felt at that moment, but he could be certain of one thing: the fact that his friend came out here to help him in a time of need. Those roles had so often been in reverse that he felt like he was dreaming. He finally allowed his brown eyes to come back up and look at Allicia. Uncertain of how to act, he hugged her and felt a safety that so many had described to him after he had followed them in their escapes. It felt nice, and despite the subsiding turmoil in his head, he knew he had someone to turn to if he needed it. As they pulled apart she could see a familiar life behind those brown eyes…except this time it was accompanied by a certain mischief.

“Come on. Ready to get your ass kicked in pool?”