Loyal Lilac #6
They were my favorite and least favorite times of day, respectively. I walked to work at dawn and walked home at dusk. Dawn was the most beautiful, peaceful time of day to be out.
I also got to be away from home. I knew I had at least 10 hours where I could escape from my troubles and “home” which really felt more like a prison lately.
I dreaded that walk home because I knew what would be waiting for me. And don’t get me wrong. I love my children and I love my wife, I just feel trapped.
Stephanie and I have been married for 17 years now, and our four children make me so proud to be a dad. But sometimes, I hate them. It’s a difficult thing to admit, and I know you’re supposed to love your children and your wife, but I just can't.
I’m not a bad guy. I should never have gotten married so young, and especially not to someone like her. Steph is smart, beautiful, caring, and I just don’t love her anymore. Should it really be so hard to make a marriage work?
In all these years, though, despite all the difficulties, I’ve never strayed. Never cheated. Never. Until recently.
When I met her, I thought she was sweet, cute, pretty, outgoing, and a little loud for my taste. I held back. I didn’t engage with her. She asked so many questions. I gave her one-word answers. She didn’t give up. Eventually, we became friends.
Her name was Samantha, but she went by Sam. She flirted with me and I didn’t flirt back. I was so good at giving the impression I wasn’t interested. She, too, was married. This was innocent and casual and we both knew nothing would ever happen.
Then, little by little, she broke me down. We started spending more time together. I started to miss my walk home at dusk by hours, calling home to tell my family not to wait up, that I had to work late. Sam was special. She made me feel like Steph couldn’t. She was exciting. With her, I was never bored.
Each time we had sex, both of us cheating on our spouses, we said it was the last time it would happen. That now, we were done. We were both in love with other people; we couldn’t ruin our relationships. We didn’t want to get emotionally involved with one another.
So for a while, we would stop. But I could never stop thinking about her. So once we were together, it would happen again. And again. And again.
Finally she broke it off. She said she loved her husband and didn’t want to see me ever again. It pained us both.
And now, here I walk, walking home to a life I don’t want to be living. Thinking about someone else, wishing I was with her.
I also got to be away from home. I knew I had at least 10 hours where I could escape from my troubles and “home” which really felt more like a prison lately.
I dreaded that walk home because I knew what would be waiting for me. And don’t get me wrong. I love my children and I love my wife, I just feel trapped.
Stephanie and I have been married for 17 years now, and our four children make me so proud to be a dad. But sometimes, I hate them. It’s a difficult thing to admit, and I know you’re supposed to love your children and your wife, but I just can't.
I’m not a bad guy. I should never have gotten married so young, and especially not to someone like her. Steph is smart, beautiful, caring, and I just don’t love her anymore. Should it really be so hard to make a marriage work?
In all these years, though, despite all the difficulties, I’ve never strayed. Never cheated. Never. Until recently.
When I met her, I thought she was sweet, cute, pretty, outgoing, and a little loud for my taste. I held back. I didn’t engage with her. She asked so many questions. I gave her one-word answers. She didn’t give up. Eventually, we became friends.
Her name was Samantha, but she went by Sam. She flirted with me and I didn’t flirt back. I was so good at giving the impression I wasn’t interested. She, too, was married. This was innocent and casual and we both knew nothing would ever happen.
Then, little by little, she broke me down. We started spending more time together. I started to miss my walk home at dusk by hours, calling home to tell my family not to wait up, that I had to work late. Sam was special. She made me feel like Steph couldn’t. She was exciting. With her, I was never bored.
Each time we had sex, both of us cheating on our spouses, we said it was the last time it would happen. That now, we were done. We were both in love with other people; we couldn’t ruin our relationships. We didn’t want to get emotionally involved with one another.
So for a while, we would stop. But I could never stop thinking about her. So once we were together, it would happen again. And again. And again.
Finally she broke it off. She said she loved her husband and didn’t want to see me ever again. It pained us both.
And now, here I walk, walking home to a life I don’t want to be living. Thinking about someone else, wishing I was with her.
posted by Eliza at 3:49 PM
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